Don Henley released the song “Heart of the Matter” around 1990. I was 11 years old when I first heard it — I loved the melodic tune but didn’t quite grasp the lyrics until decades later. Folks near and far talk of forgiveness as the cornerstone to peace. Religious teachers, musicians, talk show hosts, gurus, and mental health experts all speak of the power in forgiveness — to release yourself from the past, embrace the present, and move on to the future.
Ok — got it. Thank y’all. I accept that forgiveness is crucial. I believe in God, Karma, and Physics. But, I needed a step-by-step blueprint — on the how.
Hell hath no fury like a Scorpio scorned. I’m grateful that I am not vengeful but Lord, I can hang on to resentment like Luke Perry’s character (RIP) in “8 Seconds,” and self-flagellate so hard in the process — it makes Ashura look like a day at the spa. I used to love my emotional Louis Vuitton luggage set — who doesn’t love that classic vintage style? But, alas, the trunks got too heavy to carry. Over the years, I had to explore different methods of releasing resentment in order to reach the promise land of forgiveness where I could truly, unpack my baggage, and let it go — whatever “it” was.
I realized that the reason I struggled with forgiveness was because it felt like a passive concept, a sentiment that descended upon me suddenly that I then passed along — a magically appeared gift that I regifted; as opposed to something that I actioned. I need to actively partake in the process in order to actually purge and get to that place of being forgiving.
After countless therapy sessions, complete avoidance, trips to holy sites (including climbing the Mount of Mercy, but that’s another story for another day!), tears, meditation techniques, self-help books, and a ton of dark chocolate; here is how I got to forgiveness. (Note: I am a just a regular person who has tried various methods and pieced together my own road map that I am choosing to share. Of course, I also acknowledge things happen that we have no say in, which makes it harder to process. Remember please to always seek the professional advice of a mental health expert and ask for help).
Step 1: Acknowledgement — I had to acknowledge that I was upset without judging myself. Sounds easy — good luck.
Step 2: Identify — I had to figure out what my sentiments were exactly: fear, sadness, anger, etc. Like a multiple choice exam, often my answer was “D” all of the above. It’s ok — l love Skittles, I let myself taste the rainbow.
Step 3: Time for a swim — ok, this part is tough but necessary. I did myself a huge disservice by “being strong” or “above” a sentiment to prove — mostly to myself, mind you — that I am passed an experience. So, I had to come to a place where I allowed myself to go to the darkest depths of an emotion — wade into that cesspool, take a long swim, do some backstrokes, float around for a while — basically sit in the experience, dissect it (in the famous Scorpio autopsy style), and let myself feel each and every sentiment. The only way out — is through.
For step 3, I gave myself a time cap which varied, depending on the severity of the grievance or trigger. Like required sleep, the hours will vary by person. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, I took years or months; other times days or minutes. But, on average, my magic number is 72 hours to swim in the cesspool.
Step 4: Process Point — after towel drying off from my internal emotional dip (no pun intended), I then had to cognitively process the experience outwardly to get it out of my system. Some of my favorite techniques include: journaling, recording long voice notes, writing letters to folks who will never see them, screaming what I want to say into a pillow, blasting a song whose lyrics resonate and singing it at the top of my lungs while sitting in an Epsom Salt bath (hey! don’t knock it ’til you try it), calling a loved one — stating upfront I don’t need any feedback — just listen — and venting, going for a long drive with a playlist that I can sing my heart out to (note [pun intended]: I was a Soprano II in High School Chorus!), or going for a run and talking to myself (sure, lots of side-looks, but surprisingly, works like a charm).
Step 5: Confront and Close — Not every situation will afford us closure — which I think may be the hardest part of forgiveness. Over the years, I’ve learned to give myself closure. Sometimes — I did have the opportunity to speak directly to the person(s) involved in my grievance — but not always. I am not afraid of confrontation, so it’s usually my first choice. Other times, speaking to the counterpart(s) would’ve been counterproductive because s/he just wasn’t in that mindset to constructively re-engage, nor was I.
In those circumstances, I would do one of the following: write a letter saying what I would’ve said in-person. Then, if I don’t mail it, burn it and/or meditate while imagining to have a constructive discussion with the person. After I confront the situation, I close it out with love, gratitude, and an apology—irrespective of who was “right” or “wrong” — that’s it. I let it go. If I have a hard time doing so, I repeat the steps until I can more effortlessly get to this release.
Once I am able to release; accepting the situation for the purpose it served in life’s journey was key. Essentially, taking the lesson and letting go of the resentment. The other integral piece to peace is acknowledging that we are all human and therefore, unpredictable and messy. Each person interacts with her/his level of awareness at the time; myself included. Simple as it sounds, that insight brings me to forgiveness at a much faster rate. Forgiving myself was always the hardest…it was only when I treated myself with mercy, that I was able to go there for others.
This method is not seamless or linear, but it has helped me significantly over the years.
I still love to listen to Don Henley’s (et al) ballad— forgiveness really is at “the heart of the matter.” The song stays on most of my playlists; serving as a good reminder. And, although I wholeheartedly believe in the Divine — I still need a design…to forgive.